Last night I did something which I haven't done since The Dark Ages back in March. It was born out of pure desperation after 2 days where I just couldn't get it together. No matter what I did, it seemed to go wrong and no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't find that spark of passion and enthusiasm that I so badly needed. Instead of a patient game of chess, I continued to throw away my queen early on, swiftly followed by my toys out of the pram. In total I racked up 12 losses and just 2 wins over the course of Thursday and Friday - by far my worst run of form in over 3 months. But the worst of them came at 3am on Saturday morning.
For the first time since those awful anxiety ridden, early spring days, I put my full stake down pre-match and just went along for the ride. A straight bet on Andy Roddick to beat David Ferrer, playing Davis Cup in his home town of Austin on a fast indoor hard court. I felt it couldn't go wrong against the dirt-baller.......... The worst thing was that I was £50 in the green at one stage and normally would have traded out for that amount, no question. But this was a straight bet. I wanted to recoup all my losses for the day. So I looked on in horror as Roddick squandered 3 set points, the last of which was given to the American by the umpire but over-turned following Ferrer's Hawk Eye challenge. The game changed after that, as Ferrer totally dominated. I could've come out and taken a smaller loss but I was too stunned and too much of a wreck. 4am and staring down the barrel of a full stake loss and losing week - brings back hellish memories.
I knew that when I awoke today, I had some serious thinking to do. I am deeply shocked that I am still capable of doing what I did last night. I'd only had 2 bad days and I was still only just in the red for the week. But this runs deeper than mere profit. I have come to a realisation that the reason I have struggled to focus for so long now, is that I have lost my passion for trading tennis. I'm bored with it. Maybe I got complacent after a good spell and maybe I needed a new challenge to get me going, I don't know. But maybe this whole trading lark just isn't for me. Whatever it is, I know that if I can't get that passion and enthusiasm back, then I'm finished. It happened with the football, although I was never as good a trader with that as I am now. Being a consistent loser always helps when giving something up!
But now, I'm actually profitable! I was starting to go places. So I can only think that I'm just burnt out. I just can't find that drive or that energy. When I start trading, I zone out and my mind wanders and so I end up placing a trade when I shouldn't, just in order to get my mind on the game. Then I'm stuck digging my way out of a hole and I don't have the focus or patience to do it properly and so dig that hole even deeper. I managed ok on Tuesday but it took a masssive effort and the fog returned the very next day. Too many days trading, too many hours sat watching, too much time spent thinking about ladders. Maybe I need a break or a holiday, a change of scenery. Not really something I can afford to do though. I don't know where to go from here to be honest. I'm not a quitter but I am seriously considering making big changes. I just don't know what right now.